Every time I mention any of my fears surrounding pregnancy in general, I can immediately tell that I’ve made someone feel uncomfortable. Most recently it was the fears centered around my root canal. I was so unbelievably scared that something would happen to Nora. Yes, she was fine and the root canal was now over a week ago and she’s still fine. And although it’s been getting better with each milestone, every time I have another appointment, ultrasound, or big event surrounding the baby (registering for her, setting up her nursery…) I’m still scared.
Yesterday my doctor asked about my birth plan and honestly, I actually said.. “My only goal is to walk in pregnant and walk out holding her in my arms.” Truly, that is my only goal. I can honestly say, I don’t care how she gets here as long as I get to take her home with me.
But I’ve finally determined where this fear is actually coming from, after a long talk with Tony. After a perfect ultrasound and nonstress test yesterday, my MFM doctor said I wouldn’t be getting anymore scans, which made me a bit nervous. But it should be a good sign right? Everything is going well. While discussing my anxiety, Tony had said to me, “You know the next time we get to see her, we will be holding her.” Immediately the tears welled up in my eyes.
I can sit here and honestly say that I believe him. I really do believe that I’ll get to hold her, hear her cries, and carry her out of the hospital.
Everything has been going well and I truly believe in Nora’s strength, so where is this fear coming from?
It’s coming from 3+years of not being able to trust my body. Over and over again, I’ve lost pregnancies. My hormone levels have been out of control on multiple occasions having to switch medications multiple times, with horrible side effects. Monitoring appointment after appointment, only for them to tell me my hormone levels aren’t matching the scan, there is a cyst, there is a problem with my lining, or my prolactin levels are elevated yet again. More times than I can even recall, my body has failed.
And now? Now I’m just supposed to trust that my body is doing what it needs to do and will continue that? I’m supposed to just trust my body now after all those setbacks, losses, and failures?
The answer is yes. Yes, I’m supposed to just trust my body.
I cannot keep holding onto things that have happened in the past. I always say I’m only guaranteed right now, this moment. And yet, I’m constantly holding onto things that have happened. I’m constantly holding on to self-doubt and fear because of those experiences. It never really goes away and sometimes I have such trouble managing it.
I know it’s been nearly a month since my last update on Nora. I guess with the fears of my root canal, upcoming ultrasounds, and something I haven’t mentioned here–a scare about a week and half ago. She ended up being 100% okay, but I didn’t feel her move most of the day and then nothing for 3 hours during her most active time.
But now is the time to trust my body, Nora, and everything about pregnancy. Today I’m feeling like a weight has been lifted. So here’s an update on everything.
I started nonstress tests yesterday and I’ll go weekly to monitor her heart rate, movement, and contractions. I also had my 32wk ultrasound yesterday and it was amazing.
She stuck out her tongue at us on multiple occasions and her estimated weight was already 5lbs. They are estimating her at 39wks to be 8lbs 12oz. She’s still as healthy as can be and her growth was perfect based on my last scan at 26wks.
So the fear? Trusting my body? My body is cooperating and it has been for the last 32wks. So I’m promising myself to push away fear and anxiety and to trust my body.
On Super Bowl Sunday, my mom felt her move for the first time. Her screams of excitement were so funny- I’d first feel Nora kick, then my mom would scream, and my brother would tell us to settle down because he was trying to watch the game. The sequence of events happened several times over about 5 minutes.
Although after the scan yesterday, we learned that my mom was talking right to Nora’s butt. So we got a good laugh out of that yesterday. But it was a really special moment..
My mom and my sister have been working hard to plan my baby shower, which is a milestone I’d never imagined I’d be so lucky to get to. It’s this Sunday, Valentine’s Day. Less than a week away and last night I finally walked in to Motherhood Maternity to buy an outfit for the shower, without feeling like my heart was skipping a beat. I can actually say it was fun to try things on and think about Sunday.
A while ago, I signed Tony and I for a breastfeeding class, wondering if I’d ever make it this far, but it’s tonight. As long as the snow isn’t horrible and they’re still having it, I’m hoping it’ll help set us up for success.
All of these milestones.. the perfect NSTs, the amazing ultrasounds, the milestones no one really thinks about except for us.. these are all reasons to push fear aside and finally trust my body. I’ve got this..