When bad things happen to you, like when you lose someone you love or something tragic happens in your life, you break. It’s in those moments that you realize bad things do happen and they happen to you. For me, this realization that I’m not invincible was recurrent pregnancy loss. I can’t even describe the pain of losing a baby and then losing three more.
The fear that puts on this pregnancy is immense. Even with every milestone; the fear is still very real. I had so much anxiety approaching today’s ultrasound, but part of me felt at peace. Knowing that I was strong enough. I could handle the worst and not just handle it, but somehow I would be able to find myself again. Tony and I would be okay.
I was prepared for the worst too. I stocked my purse with tissues and I didn’t make any immediate plans for the rest of the week. What I had planned for was grieving. I know what that means for me- load the house with chocolate and wash the bed sheets because I might just be in them for a few days/weeks. I hate that recurrent pregnancy loss has forced me to think like that, but I know how quickly this pregnancy could be taken away from me and I can’t see my worry disappearing anytime soon.
What I didn’t realize is that when bad things happen, it doesn’t mean it’s always going to be that way. Sometimes good things happen, and today was one of those days.
Tony left work early on the 2nd day of school (thanks to his brother and a close friend covering his class) and I picked him up. We headed for the hour commute to our RE’s office. Most of the car ride was actually silent. I know Tony very well and I could feel his anxiety too. He was just as scared as I was heading to my RE’s office. Although, he does do a better job hiding it than I do.
We headed into the ultrasound room. I swear my heart was nearly beating out of my chest. The ultrasound tech started the ultrasound and there she (we will call our baby a she- for some reason Tony’s convinced our baby is a girl) was on the screen. Her heart was beating so fast. Much quicker than I remember last time and she had grown. Instead of measuring 8w1d like she was supposed to, she measured 8w4d. The heartbeat was strong too at 168bmp. We got to see our Little Fighter.. there she was… alive.
I cried. Tony was holding my hand and when I looked up at him, I saw his eyes were filled with tears too. Then he closed his eyes for a moment and I just knew he was thanking God. The US tech paused and waited; just giving us a minute to soak in the moment.
You see, I’ve never had a healthy pregnancy. Yes, we’ve seen a heartbeat, but we were told our betas weren’t good from the start. We were told in the first few days that we would miscarry with every single pregnancy. This time though, this time has been different. Our numbers did what they were supposed to, each milestone has been met, and my RE keeps using the word ‘normal’ which seems so unbelievably foreign to me.
Nothing about this battle has been normal. But today.. today was normal. A word most take for granted.
Not only did I make it beyond 8 weeks, but I also met another milestone today. I was officially released from my RE. He considers his job done and I’ll be moving on to a regular OB practice. My first appointment is Sept. 15th. To be honest I’m just praying I make it that far. I’m praying that our baby IS the little fighter she has proven to be so far.
For now, I’m just living in the moment and right now, at this very moment everything is okay. Everything is normal. Our baby is growing.