No, this isn’t some post about pregnancy energy…I refuse to complain about this pregnancy, because every moment, every single second, is an absolute miracle.
This is a post about not having the energy for anger, resentment, and frustration.
I’m beginning to wonder if anyone in my life truly understands the toll infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss takes on a person. Going though infertility or losing even one baby, no matter how far along you were, is a terribly painful and emotionally-traumatizing experience. I honestly don’t even know how to explain the pain that comes and often wish I could somehow put it into words.
When someone tells me that miscarriage is a ‘nature’s way of sorting things out’ I often want to say to them, “And imagine if your child wasn’t here.. Imagine you had to live without them.” Most parents cannot even imagine a life without their child.. they just can’t. While I’ve had do that four times. Yes, I realize because it’s been said to me, that most don’t even consider my miscarriages to be babies. But I did and they were my babies. And honestly, even before I got those two pink lines I had my future planned with them.
It’s ironic though, because now that I’m pregnant and made it past the ‘danger zone’ everyone thinks that I’m perfectly okay. Most people in my life think I have no worries or that my worries aren’t justified (yes, that’s been said to me too).
Maybe I’m crazy, or as my therapist and I discussed it’s a form of post-traumatic stress, but getting pregnant does not ‘fix’ everything.
I’m pretty good for the most part.. I’ve really been trying and putting my energy into this. I’ve allowed my husband to buy and set-up a crib. I’ve accepted gifts and used items from friends and officially have baby items in the house. I’ve taken bump pictures. I’ve parked in the ‘expecting mothers’ spot for the very first time yesterday (yes, I may have cried in my car for a bit that I actually get to do that), and I even talk about Nora to others. I’ve allowed people to celebrate her with me. I’m even talking about how different our lives will be in April because that’s when she’ll be here. These are all huge steps, but there is still anxiety.
When I use the bathroom, I still check the toilet paper for spotting every.single.time. I have nightmares…to the point that Tony cannot physically wake me up because I’m crying so hard in my sleep. I haven’t had these types of nightmares since I was a kid, when I saw a Freddy Krueger movie once. Every cramp or muscle pulling..which is sometimes multiple times a day.. I worry and my mind automatically goes to the worst place possible. And this pregnancy makes me think of the babies I did not get to experience kick and I did not feel grow. I also know that in just a few short days, I would have had a 2 year old… I remember those dates. I simply just cannot forget.
My point isn’t about my anxiety, I am happy I get to experience pregnancy anxiety vs. the heartbreak of a miscarriage this time. I’m ironically okay with the anxiety because that means she’s still with me. It’s such a strange balance, but *this* anxiety is something I am happy to have. But my point isn’t about anxiety or how people don’t understand it’s really about self-care.. (I’m getting there, I promise).
I am doing everything I can possibly do to make sure Nora is safe, restraining my fears because I know there are just some things that are beyond my control. It’s faith that has been getting me through those fears.. But I know how quickly something bad can happen and it is taking all my energy to remain calm, push away the fear, put myself and family first, and make Nora my top priority. I am celebrating her and I am enjoying every moment I get to carry her. And I am excited to meet her. I came across this quote and it’s perfect- I’m putting all my energy into not being afraid and loving her fiercely..
It’s making me realize that there is absolutely no room for anger anymore. I’ve spent so long through the course of infertility being angry, holding grudges, and being bitter because of the pain infertility has caused, I just don’t have the energy to both celebrate Nora and be angry at others, so of course Nora comes first.
It’s not that I’ve forgotten how much someone has hurt me, but I’m just ready to let things go.
I want to enjoy this pregnancy and this exciting time with Nora. I don’t have time to waste on fighting with the family or being angry about something that’s happened in the past. There is just simply not enough space in my brain or heart for that.
Life is just too short.. I’ve learned that setting boundaries isn’t selfish at all. And for me, right now it’s about Nora. So I’m just done with anger, frustration, and resentment that I’ve been holding onto. I’m just done with it.