I thought I’d better update because so many of you have checked on me through Twitter, Facebook, and WordPress.
When you’ve had 4 miscarriages, it’s hard to believe anything could go right. You sort of just assume that bad things are coming and you’re hoping and praying for the best, but so many times before it has ended badly.
I am working on believing the good, I am… but it’s terrifying. Honestly, I even hesitate to update my blog with this post because I know with every pregnancy announcement or update, it could cause pain to someone still trying. I know that even if I was happy for someone else, it still hurt and I was still reminded of my failures. I’m still like that though. I don’t feel out of the trenches and I’m not sure when I will. Recurrent pregnancy loss is my infertility and I know none of this is guaranteed.
If I even make it that far, here on this blog, there will never be bumpdates, ultrasound pics or adorable bump pictures. Although I understand how this can be a right of passage, especially after infertility, I just can’t. I’ll write another post on this eventually, but for now there will be no unexpected pictures popping up on your feed.
You see.. Although everything could go right, I am also acutely aware that everything could go wrong too. And I’ve been on the painful side of statistics 4 times. Sometimes I cannot even believe I’m still standing when I look back at everything I’ve been through, that I’m still trying, and I’m still smiling.
My first beta on Friday 13dpo came back at 61, my highest starting number so far. Just to give you a reference, my 1st beta never made it above 123, my second beta was so low and didn’t double, my third beta (although we saw a heartbeat twice) I was originally told I was miscarrying after the 2nd blood draw when my beta dropped. My 4th betas were 19 at 14dpo, 29 at 16dpo, and then 62 at 18dpo??. They never quite doubled accordingly and the number always remained low. With the 3rd and 4th pregnancy, I don’t think my numbers ever went above 2,500.
I left for the beach on Monday and although I had made up my mind I wasn’t getting another beta and I was leaving for the beach, I knew the importance of getting my thyroid and glucose checked. So straight from blood work, I headed down to the beach with my niece to meet my SIL and her family.
On the way to the beach in NC, after getting a lovely speeding ticket in VA, I got the call I had been waiting for– my second beta results.
I had already decided that I had no control, I was going to enjoy the beach regardless, and that no matter the outcome, I would eventually be okay. Throughout this whole thing, I’ve truly learned that I’m stronger than I know. Pain I didn’t think I could endure, I have.
The nurse called, I pulled over, and she said, “Congratulations!” I was praying for at least 180. My response though was, “Well, now that depends on the second set of numbers.” She laughed, and told me that my number was 363. I had to ask her to repeat it and again she said, “Three hundred, sixty-three and your progesterone is 21″ she proceeded to say, “Your thyroid is a bit high, so we are increasing your meds, I need the pharmacy number of where you are staying.”
My niece willing looked up my doubling beta time (and was so supportive- I’m glad she came along), which came out at 28 hours and I cried. I don’t know why I cried. Maybe because I actually thought that yesterday I’d find out I would have my 5th miscarriage, or if it was because now I’m in uncharted territory. With uncertainty also comes fear.
I know how much I’ve changed through this process and I can truly see that. The old me? Would have needed another beta and probably another, would have skipped the beach just for more blood work, would have stayed home and worried.
But do you know what? I’m not getting another beta, I’m enjoying the sand and sea, and I’m doing what is best for my well-being. I cannot control a thing and knowing the beta results won’t help. It’ll only cause anxiety. I’ve been here before- the needle sticks, the anxiety over those phone calls from the nurse, and then the endless hours of Googling praying I’ll find a success story just like mine.. I just can’t do it.
So on August 6th, I’ll go for my first ultrasound for my 5th pregnancy, just over a week away. I’m praying I make it that far and I can be pregnant, at least until that ultrasound. I’ve said this before, but every second pregnant is a second I’m grateful for, I know how quickly this can just disappear.
According to my calculations, I’ll be 5wks 4days on US day. Although I know a heartbeat isn’t likely, I’ll know if this pregnancy is off to a good start. I know what to expect. I know what they should see at this point.
So there’s my update. Thank you for all of you the support- those of you in my life that take the time to read my blog and my Twitter, Instagram, and blogging community. Your support and continued prayers are so important to Tony and I. I’m grateful for every text, private message, and comment. Thank you for giving me strength. I know no matter how this turns out, we will be okay.